The dimly lit room at most comedy clubs offers little to no comfort. The chairs are woody, the water is unapologetically warm and the concept of personal space in that crowded room goes up in smoke faster than you can apologize for knocking your arm into someone's face. Things have had a glittery makeover now, of course. The chairs have been replaced by plush sofas and there's sparkling wine. How nice.
Here's a fun fact though - as earnest as this sounds, none of these things make an ounce of a difference to the real reason that draws people there - the comedians and the content. When you know you're going to get smacked in the face with seemingly normal lines that turn into incredible one-liners in a flash, you don't seem to care about the temperature your water is served at.
I don't know what to eat. My doctor told me to read food labels. So I was in the store the other day, I was trying to read the Fig Newtons label, I've always liked them and I was trying to see if it was OK to eat them.
Everything looked pretty good, the fat content and everything, so I'm thinking I could eat these and I looked at the serving size... two cookies. Who the hell eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve. Two sleeves is a serving size. I open up both and eat them like a tree chipper. Fig Newton shavings coming off the side.
What the hell are they talking about two Fig Newtons? They're the size of a postage stamp. You want another one? "Oh I don't know... I've already had two whole Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle one more down... I'm stuffed to the rafters."
They're nuts. We got an ER here, we got a three Fig Newton eater. How many did he have? What is he nuts? Doesn't he read? Who's coming up with the serving sizes?
A serving size of ice cream is a half a cup. What is that? Is that like a joke some guy put on there? "Hey come here. Look what I put for the serving size. Did Charlie see it? Charlie, come here. Look what I put for the serving size. I just did it as a joke but it's going out like that." I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
I was delivered an unsliced pizza. It sounds like a simple mistake, not me, I took it personally.
I was like that's somebody down at the pizza place making a judgment call on my life.
Somebody seeing my name come up on one too many tickets and finally just being like "listen man, we know that you're probably going to eat this by yourself, more unlikely all in one sitting too, so. You know what to do man, just fold it in half and bon appetit.
- Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
- Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
- Whenever you hear the word 'cuisine' instead of 'food', be prepared to pay 80 percent extra.
A friend of mine is a vegan. A vegan is a person who won't eat anything made by or with flavour.
Vegan friend is very excited though, he wants me to try his food, he's like oh man you got to try this, it tastes just like turkey, but it's made with tofu. I said I don't want to try that, because I already found something that tastes like that turkey, except it's made with turkey, it's called turkey.
I've had decent vegan food before though, but you know a good vegan meal is like a good Christian rock band, even when it's kind of good, still really sucks.
- I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Hey man, don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... damn... I forgot it... at home... in the filing cabinet... under D... for doughnut.
- I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
- I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, he gave me the 'donate it to charity' slice. I would like to exchange this for the 'keep it!'
- It would be cool if you could eat good food with bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
- You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
- I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal is not over when I'm full, the meal is over when I hate myself. That's when I stop. I guess normal people eat till they're like, "Oh, that's all the nutrition I require, right there. I will cease the intake now. And convert this into useful energy throughout the day."
- I eat all kinds of high-octane crap. The other day I got a cinnabon. Do you know what a cinnabon is? Let me explain cinnabons to those of you with self respect who just walk right by things like that and have no idea what dudes like me are eating.
The line at cinnabon is not a varied group of people. It's not 'all kinds' of folks trying out a cinnabon. There's not like a skinny girl and a little dude, and no one is happy on the cinnabon line, no one is like "I love these, I can't wait." No one is excited to get one. It's all dudes like me who are "oh no, I'm getting a cinnabon, oh God no."
Here's what a cinnabon is, let me explain it to you. It's a six foot high cinnamon swirl cake made for one sad fat man.
There's one cookie that's really got my goat, you know if I had a goat. It's called the sugar cookie. Oh, how dare you sugar cookie! How dare you call yourself a cookie when all you're bringing to the table is sugar.
Now some people say "no, I like sugar cookies." Oh really, you like sugar cookies, then why was the cookie cutter invented? Only for the sugar cookie. There's no other cookie that needs cosmetic surgery to make people like her. You ever see a chocolate cookie go "hey look I'm Elvis Presley", never. Chocolate chip cookie knows who it is.
Sugar cookie, every holiday, it's got a new look trying to make you like it. Every holiday like a desperate eighth grade girl, the sugar cookie. Comes over for Christmas, "hey look I'm a wreath, I'm Santa, love me. It's Valentines, I'm a heart, I'm cupid, please give me a chance. Oh you're Jewish, I'm sorry, I'm Adam Sandler, love me."
I'm like sugar cookie, stop. It's embarrassing, why don't you look inside yourself. Change what's in there, like the newtons. For Halloween, Oreo had an orange filling inside. Alright sugar cookie, let me just say this, you might want to remember this - every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.