The 20 Funniest Tweets About Food

In a parallel universe, people don't upload selfies doused in eight different photo filters or upload an eleven minute video of the 'cute' new thing their baby did. This parallel universe is called Twitter and I, for one, am eternally thankful for its existence.Twitter is sharp, ultra receptive and lightning quick. That said, the majority of your Twitter experience is dependent on the kind of people you follow. The majority of the accounts I follow belong to regular people, except they're forever churning out humorous quotes within that 140 character limit.These are the tweets that made me smile, and yes, they are all food related because really, is there anything better than food and humour in this world?

My new diet is to pay people to tell me how thin I look.
-- Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 9, 2014

Food delivery is a combination of my three favorite things:1. Food2. Not moving3. Avoiding people
-- Superhero & 00Negro (@MarcusTheToken) July 18, 2011

i'm not good at cooking, but I'm good at being around when food appears.
-- Robert Buscemi (@RobertBuscemi) April 30, 2014

'Tub' is my favorite unit of measurement for food.
-- aubrey (@Aubject) November 29, 2012

"You just ate Chinese food, am I right?" --The world's worst fortune cookie
-- Frank Lesser (@sadmonsters) December 26, 2012

I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, "I'll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese."
-- Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) April 29, 2014

One day I'd like to learn eat as though someone wasn't about to steal my food off the table.
-- albertina rizzo (@albz) May 3, 2014

I'm opening a restaurant called "It doesn't matter, whatever you want" since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
-- Travon Free (@Travon) April 13, 2012

If bad decisions were pizza, I'd still be eating a lot of pizza.
-- Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) December 5, 2013

"You can't have your cake and eat it too." - People who don't understand what you're supposed to do with cake
-- Shira (@shiraselko) July 19, 2011

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
-- Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 10, 2012

Unless you are a food delivery person, I'm not answering your call.
-- CJ Sullivan (@CJVLR) April 27, 2014

The closest I've been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
-- Pauly Casillas (@PaulyPeligroso) April 20, 2014

I can eat anything I want and not get fat because I'm already fat.
-- Mark Leggett ✂︎ ☹ (@markleggett) April 23, 2014

I'm sitting in a hotel restaurant at 7AM with Bond music playing. This might be the best oatmeal I ever have - or the last.
-- Ben Schwartz (@benschwartzy) April 13, 2014

If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food, it's much better.
-- Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) April 8, 2014

when i think about eating a cookie but i don't eat it i want someone to yell POINTS
-- lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 9, 2014

The scene where a person says goodbye to their lover and watches them drive away but it's me watching my food delivery person drive off.
-- Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) March 20, 2014